Jennifer Boyle has no time for pansy-looking farting gnomes named Daisey. This is perhaps the funniest eBay description I have ever read; it’s even funnier than that stupid guy wearing his ex-wife’s wedding dress. Who else could have written it but Boyle?

Here are the highlights for the non-link-hitting types:

From the way he’s holding his stomach and face, and apparently writhing on the floor in agonizing pain, I think he’s supposed to have some terrible case of food poisoning. Considering the fartingness of this gnome, I suppose that shouldn’t be entirely surprising.

if you are the kind of person who cares about the condition of the packaging on your Original Farting Gnome™, I have only this to say: you are a disgrace. May the lord in heaven take pity on you. . . .

I accept and prefer PayPal. I will also accept a check or money order, but if you make me go to the bank with a piece of paper for $5.27 or whatever you end up paying, I will get my revenge by intentionally dropping the box on the ground while I’m taking it to the post office.

The condition of Daisey, The Original Farting Gnome™, is excellent. Perhaps not “Like New” but very close. It is in good enough shape to give as a gift. . . which is, in fact, how my fiancée and I came to possess it. To Justin and Lisa:

WHY DO YOU HATE US SO? Have you no humanity?

There is no reserve on this auction. If you win with a bid of $0.05 USD, I will be delighted to send Daisey to you, it is such an appalling product. It is that horrible.

Current bid is $24.50.

This stupid stepometer from the McDonald’s Adult Happy Meal actually works! Except that it doesn’t if you’re wearing sandals, have a big belly, if you drag your feet or the ground is not level.

Stupid.